Best Quotes Of Funny Quotes

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. 
Reba McEntire

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. 
Elbert Hubbard

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. 
Isaac Asimov

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. 
Margaret Mead

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else. 
Will Rogers

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. 
Mitch Hedberg

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. 
Steve Martin

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. 
Mark Twain

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly. 
Winston Churchill

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. 
Luis Bunuel

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. 
George Bernard Shaw

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. 
Chris Rock

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 
Anthony Burgess

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. 
Richard Dawkins

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. 
Lily Tomlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. 
George Carlin

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. 
Douglas Adams

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. 
Abraham Lincoln

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
George Carlin

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. 
Benjamin Franklin

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. 
Jim Carrey

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 
George Burns

Reality continues to ruin my life. 
Bill Watterson

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know. 
W. H. Auden

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? 
Robin Williams

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. 
Don Marquis

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. 
Robin Williams

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. 
Bertrand Russell

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere. 
Dr. Seuss

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 
Mark Twain

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. Thomas Sowell

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. 
Steven Wright

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. 
Oscar Levant

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. 
Brooke Shields

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? 
Abraham Lincoln

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. 
Abraham Lincoln

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat. 
Arnold Schwarzenegger

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. 
Stephen Hawking

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you. 
Robin Williams

I can resist everything except temptation. 
Oscar Wilde

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public. 
H. L. Mencken

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it. 
Terry Pratchett

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. 
Tim Allen

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter. 
Jack Benny

Instant gratification takes too long. 
Carrie Fisher

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me. 
Stephen Fry

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. 
Mitch Hedberg

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. 
Groucho Marx

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand. 
Charles M. Schulz

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons. 
Douglas Adams

I rant, therefore I am. 
Dennis Miller

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. 
Woody Allen

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 
Yogi Berra

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? 
W. Clement Stone

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die. 
Mel Brooks

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. 
Mel Brooks

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. 
Phyllis Diller

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them. P. G. Wodehouse

I think the word 'pregnant' is funny. 
Tracy Morgan

Filming is a funny combination of having a good time and not being able to wait until it's over. 
Nicole Holofcener


Post a Comment